No, I’m not talking (in some sick way) about “making babies” - even though some parents obviously have made monsters and the rest of us have to deal with the little hellspawns running through the aisle at Target when we’re trying to make our way to the checkout with our basket of cheaply-made Chinese lead-coated merchandise. But I digress.

I am speaking here of the act of horror makeup/costume-making/dressing up. As a monster.

Or, an alien. One of the very best costumes I ever fabricated (at least, in my memory) was that of a classic 1950’s-style space alien. The costume consisted of the following items: a pair of thick silver-spray-painted rubber boots (the kind fishermen and serial killers typically wear), a gray sweatshirt and gray sweatpants (like your Diet-Coke-guzzling eternally-on-a-futile-diet co-worker wears), a genuine vintage fifities tin toy ray gun, a space helmet with antennae (fashioned out of Reynolds™ Wrap - only the best!), and green food coloring.

Yes, the super-realistic touch to my costume was the fact that I dyed my skin a rich, dark hue of green. My mom either didn’t mind or wasn’t aware of this ahead of time, but I certainly did it. And it worked well. (DId you know? Food coloring is semi-permanent!) It was a great costume though. And what did I get for my efforts? The accolades of my peers? Scream of terror from unprepared trick-or-treaters? Actual space aliens contacting me, thinking I was one of their kind? No.

All I got was a bunch of Tootsie Rolls. Damn.

But if you yourself want to learn how to dress up in cool costumes (sans food coloring), I found a spiffy website devoted to this craft: Max and Courtney Make Monsters. (Again: Max and Courtney are making costumes.) It appears that they aren’t in the monster-making business these days (last post is from 2006), but they have left a fine collection of costumes with full instructions, pictures, and even vids. Go there! And make some monsters!